S E X and Marriage…or lack there of.

Good Morning All!

Ok, so I am finally doing it…well, not just that but, I am also finally writing an entire blog about S E X. Yes I am. I am excited for it because I think it is sometimes a taboo subject and it really shouldn’t be.

I think it sometimes is especially hard for us Christians to talk about it because of so many reasons and yet, the Bible talks about it, there are MANY verses in the Bible about sex and yet, many churches stay away from it and WHOA, if you are Catholic, phew….heaven forbid you ever talk about it!

I remember growing up we were told “NO birth Control”, NO sex before marriage”, “NO…self exploration”(sorry, I just can’t say that ‘other word’). In fact, I will never forget a story my Grandmother told me a few years ago before she died. She had gone to her priest looking for help because she didn’t want to get pregnant again and her priest told her, “Abstinence Elaine, that is how you don’t get pregnant. You need to control your urges and practice abstinence.” My Grandmother then told me, “Well, obviously that didn’t work! I couldn’t turn him down ALL the time!”

Oh my poor Grandma and Grandpa for that fact. Can you imagine her trying to get help and feeling like going to her priest was the right answer and some guy who has never had sex in his life and isn’t married telling her that?! No wonder Catholics typically had such large families, you are told can’t use birth control(including rhythm method) and yet you want to be close and share something intimate with your spouse.

That puts a lot of pressure on a couple. No wonder my Grandparents marriage didn’t survive, my Grandmother barely survived having 6 children and really didn’t want that many and so, I am sure a horrible cycle of disliking sex because of not wanting more children and then of course, starting to relate that all to your husband….just a horrible cycle there.

So, I thought I would today write about sex and how much or how little is in marriages today and hopefully provide some tips on how to increase your sex life…maybe even your sex drive and at the very least, give you some humor to walk away with.

Ok, here goes. I will start with my marriage a little bit and hopefully not upset my hubby too much 🙂 LOVE YOU BABE!

Well, as most of you know, we didn’t really ‘walk the walk’ when it came to our faith and having sex before marriage. As very obvious by our son being in our wedding photos!

I don’t really look back at our dating life pre-children as much of a reference to anything in our relationship because we were two VERY different people than we are now. However, unfortunately, my poor hubby feels sometimes he was to quote, “Sold a bad bill of goods.”

See….hmmmm, let’s just say we liked each other A LOT! In my pre-mommy days, I was a bit more ‘active’, ‘exciting’ and more willing in the old ‘workbench’ (bed) as my husband so fondly calls it. Now, I find myself much more ‘reserved’ than I used to be since becoming a parent and a Christian. I am not sure if it is more one or the other or what but, I am definitely not as ‘good to go’.

In fact, I would say after 4 children and 7 1/2 years of marriage, I think our sex life is finally starting to make a bit of a rebound. It isn’t ever going to be the daily or almost daily it once was, in fact, it often isn’t even weekly. However, it is definitely becoming more exciting and more frequent…meaning often more times than just once a day. Get my drift?

So, what has changed? Well, for one, our baby is sleeping through the night, our other ones are gone more and are easily distracted for some quick(and sometimes REALLY quick) mom and dad time. So now, instead of waiting until bedtime when we are way too tired we find ourselves having a quickie whenever we can. When we do have more time, like when the older ones are gone and the baby is sleeping….oh…that is really fun! That is when we have LOTS of fun in bed 🙂

We have also gone back to some of the fun things we did dating and all of our time together isn’t always in bed anymore. It also isn’t always reciprocated. I WILL NOT go into more detail there…sorry folks, use your imagination.

I still don’t have nearly the drive or the ambition I once had and unfortunately our children are still around A LOT so, the frequency is still on the low side but, that good ole libido is slowly coming back and so is the adventurous side.

No, we are not into public places or anything like that…no backseat of the car..ew. But, it is really fun when we do get together and that is all that matters. Many times, just thinking of the ‘fun, fun’ stuff we did holds us through until next time.

Now, there are moments when it really is ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am’ sex but, that is always good in a time crunch and good to just get a little to tide us over until next time.

I know we aren’t the only couple that has sex issues. I also know many couples that don’t have sex issues. First of all, let me tell you all, there is NO magic number of times you should have it a week. Also, you can’t compare your sex life with those of your friends..first of all, if you are married, I don’t think you should be telling a lot of intimate details of your spouse to others. It can open up a lot of ugly doors even if unintended and it can also cause issues in their marriage.

But, it is OK to talk about too. It shouldn’t be taboo and you should be able to talk about it if you are struggling or just have questions but, remember not everyone is married to the same person and not everyone has the same sex life.

For years I was stuck on this ‘magic number’. I couldn’t believe I was supposed to be having sex everyday with my husband! What?! I really struggled with that. Now, I realize someday we might have it everyday but, right now, we have taken the approach that when we actually do get a chance to doing it, lets make it super fun and exciting. So, that is what we have done.

We have a friend who has been trying to convince their spouse that all of their friends are doing it at least 3 times a week and many are doing it everyday. Our friend is telling their spouse this to try and get more sex. Ok, first of all, telling your spouse, “Well, everyone else is doing it.” is NOT going to work. It sounds like something a girlfriend or boyfriend says in high school or college to their virgin partner to just get them to do it at all.

Number one rule: NEVER compare your sex life to your friends sex life to your spouse. Good way to get even less my friend.

Your spouse is not dumb and if you tell your spouse all of your friends are doing it a lot, your spouse will ask your friends.

I did get some good wisdom from another friend of mine, who by the way….I think by far has sex more than any of us. Could be wrong but, thinking they outnumber all of us in the amount category. Anyway, my friend told me that for men sex is like their way of communicating. For example: Women like to talk to their spouse, they feel loved when they are talked to and can talk to their spouse. Men feel loved when they are having sex with their spouse. So, if you think of it as when the husband wants sex, he really wants to ‘talk’ it makes sense.

So for the woman, when you long to have a conversation with your husband and he has been too busy or gone a lot or preoccupied and you haven’t talked in a long time, how do you feel? You might feel unloved/under-loved, lonely, sad, etc….

Well, when a man hasn’t had sex in a long time with his wife, how do you think he feels? Really, it makes sense.

My husband has always been one of many words, and really eloquent with his words. Here are a couple of his favorite phrases when it comes to sex or lack there of.

-Guys can stick it anywhere and it feels just as good. Give us a hole in the wall and it is all the same.

-If you aren’t going to give it up, your husband will eventually find it somewhere else. Whether his hand or another woman.

Don’t you all just hear the romance in those phrases?! LOL. I love my guy because he just says it. It is true though, I think sometimes women can shut it off and we think our husbands can too but, really they just turn down the volume.

I can almost guarantee your husband knows the exact date your baby turns 6 weeks old. They will never know how old your child is again but, they will know when they are 6 weeks old.

I think it is sometimes hard for women because we are constantly touched by our children all day long or if you are like me and still nursing, your boobs get touched enough, you don’t need your husband pawing on them too.

Yet, my husband thinks I am super sexy when I have those big nursing boobs. In fact, many times he has told me, he never hears what I am saying because when I talk all he hears is, “Look at my boobs, look at my boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs.”

I truly believe that as yesterday in church, he couldn’t stop staring at them. Yes, in church people. I think he would take me right then and there if we could find a room. Who am I kidding, I know he would!

Sex is like anything in a marriage, you have to find that balance. Your children will always be there. You will be tired, your life is not your own and more often than not, someone will be around you all the time other than just your spouse.

However, having children is also only a temporary excuse as to why you aren’t having a lot of sex. Sex is very important in a healthy marriage. Couples need to be together like that. You need to know that is your ‘man’ or your ‘woman’ and make them feel special and loved. Even if you feel your sex life is hopeless, I tell you it can be saved.

It might be something you have to schedule…sounds horrible but, you might have to do it. My husband and I have a standing date night every Monday night. We know every Monday we are getting out of the house at 6pm without any children and we will have 3 or 4 hours of uninterrupted ‘us’ time.

First of all, I would highly recommend you have a standing date night with your spouse. It is not only good for you and your marriage but, it is good for the children to see their parents together as a couple and not just mom and dad. It is very important for your children and their sense of stability and family to know that mom and dad’s relationship is the FIRST priority.

Back to date nights…we aren’t having sex on date nights, in fact we rarely do but, for those of you that need a date and time on the calendar, there is your date and time every week! You can be guaranteed sex at least once a week. Men, just take your wives out on a date feed her with good food, good conversation, maybe a cocktail or two to loosen her up and then take her home and have fun! Or, if you can’t do it at home, revert back to high school and do it in the car or at a park or rent a room for a couple hours.

Listen, a hotel room at a decent hotel will cost the same and many times MUCH less (especially during the week) than dinner and a movie. Have fun with your sex life. Find new and exciting places, ways and such. It is ok to experiment a bit. It isn’t like your husband or wife is going to think you are weird and even if they do, big deal…it won’t last long.

Try a position you have never tried before, add lingerie or other things, I don’t care what you do but, do it.

Your marriage is the number one thing in your family and sex is a very big part of your marriage. I am certainly not perfect in this and many times unfortunately I have turned my hubby down or pretended to be asleep so he wouldn’t ask me for it however, I have also started asking him for it more often.

Let me tell you ladies, that is the way to do it! Nothing excites a man more than having his wife ask him if he wants it or better yet, having her make the move. Wow, Steve LOVES it when we are laying in bed and he is asleep and I whisper, “want to have sex” and then kiss him…WHEW, watch out!

I think often it becomes boring, monotonous, same/same. I think other people stress out about having sex with the same person for the rest of their lives. I think others thought it would be different some how but, don’t really know how. Sex isn’t easy. Just like marriage, it takes work, it takes effort but, that work and effort pays off dividends people. It really does, I promise.

I don’t know the right answer for any of you, I don’t know how you can make your sex life more enjoyable, more frequent and more just plain fun. I just gave you all a few things that I have heard from others and that have worked for Steve and I.

Hey, if you have any suggestions…this would definitely be the blog to comment on just please keep the comments relatively clean and un-vulgar like. Thank you.

Blessings to you all and have I challenge all of you to do something exciting this week with your sex life and surprise your husband/wife. Do something you have never done before or if you schedule your sex dates, have sex on an unscheduled day! Whew…you never know, you might just have fun 🙂

Here’s too a little sex in your sex life!

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