Good Morning Everyone!
So, today is supposed to be 78 degrees!!!!!!! Oh, I am so thrilled. I love summer, I love summer, I love summer. Spring is one step closer to summer. Have I told you all how much I love summer?
So, today however, I will be spending most of my day inside. Yes, isn’t that great? It is my punishment though since I didn’t get my house cleaned when it was cold out, I now have to do it when it is warm. But, I will open all the windows and let the warm breezes flow.
I have to clean my house for numerous reasons, first and foremost, it just really needs to be cleaned. I have noticed I have been slowly shutting down in every aspect of my life. I get paralyzed by mess. I don’t know how to deal with it so, it paralyzes me. I become sullen and pretty much useless every where else in my life too.
It is not fair to my children, my husband or myself when I do this but, sometimes, just paralyzed. Is it fear? I don’t think so, I think it is more just being plain overwhelmed and stuck.
I find myself in the same pattern a lot. I long for organization, I thrive with organization however, I am NOT organized. I have some OCD tendencies but, unfortunately, not enough to be organized. Although, if you look at my amoire and the children’s dressers, VERY organized. In fact, that is part of my problem…if I don’t have enough time to completely empty out all things from the dresser or amoire when I am putting in clean laundry, the clean laundry NEVER gets put away.
Yep, I have laundry baskets all over the house filled with clean clothes that never get put away. I have a huge pile of dirty clothes in the basement that is never caught up because of the insane amounts of clean laundry not put away. Or the thought of I won’t have time to put it away correctly so, forget it, why even wash it.
Oh, it is pathetic, I know. But, today I HAVE to clean, I HAVE to do laundry and I HAVE to put it away….ok, well, I at least have to hide the laundry clean or otherwise. We are having a home visit tonight from RAGOM (Retrievers Are Golden of Minnesota). As many of you know our beloved and perfect Griffey died a few weeks ago and I, I mean we miss having a dog. I want MY dog back but, obviously that isn’t going to happen so, I am on the search for the next best thing.
We tried steering away from Golden’s because I just couldn’t bear looking at it and comparing it to Griffey but, then as we looked at dogs, that was the one the children wanted to most. They didn’t like the Great Pyreneese, they liked German Shepherds but, my husband doesn’t and Steve said, absolutely NO WAY to a little dog, of any kind. So, that brings us full circle to a Golden Retriever.
So, my house needs to be ready, it needs to look welcoming, clean, and dog friendly. I need to make sure I have a place for the dog to sleep, a place for it to eat and a nice fenced in yard. Check.
However, you can’t see the place the dog would sleep, you can’t get to the place the dog would eat, and the yard is nice and clean and picked up but, you have to walk over piles of crap in the house to get to the backyard. (Insert scream here)
I long for a schedule, I long for a program, I long for some sort of pattern in my cleaning and organizing. I am frustrated, I am sad, I weep, I am paralyzed. Paralyzed. I feel myself shutting down. I could do it very easily. I could very easily shut myself down completely for it is much easier than dealing with the mess of my house.
However, I can’t completely shut down. I am a mother of 4 young children that need me to be there for them. It is selfish to shut down. Oh, but, I want to. I can’t. I need to be there for my husband who hasn’t had a wife these last couple of really bad house weeks.
I need to be there for everyone including myself. I desire to have friends over, I desire to let people stop by without being embarrassed. I long for my children to have play dates. I long for my children to be able to have a sleepover.
I long to be the house that is welcoming not only to friends and family but, to MY family.
Ok, no more being paralyzed. I need to work up something, I don’t know what. I need to tackle something, I don’t know what but, I have work to do, a lot of it. I need to finish my blog, get off the computer and get to work.
I can do this! I can, I know I can.
Ugh, here I go :-/
Please pray for me all my dear friends, I know this is terribly pathetic, I hate it. To me it is weakness and I am not good with weakness. I don’t like weak people and here, I am weak! Pathetic.
Anyway, I have the sun, I have the great spring breezes to keep me going.