Pregnancy can be a beautiful journey. It’s filled with anticipation of the unknown, with dreams of what’s to come and an untainted joy.
However, for the woman who has experienced the loss of a baby, pregnancy can bring an unmatched level of anxiety. You become more aware that there is a chance you may be unable to protect your little one. That you have no control over their survival.
I know this because I have had four pregnancies and three losses.
The loss of one baby was painful, but losing another baby two years later was enough pain to cause me to throw in the towel. I was defeated.
Nothing Left for Me
As I held my daughter, Angel Promise .4 ounces, 9.5 centimeters long on January 26, 2012 and thought of the day I had done this before on April 27, 2010 holding my son, Gabriel Xavier 4.4 ounces 7 ½ inches long, I vowed to myself no more.
The risk of losing again was too great. The depth of pain to deep. There is no way I would allow myself to be sucked into hope. Hope no longer meant “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen” as Webster puts it. Hope now meant the complete opposite. For me, hope now meant “sure to fail”.
I began to see this banner over my head. The banner read, ‘Grief, Pain, Failure, Forsaken, Barren’. I felt like I was left out of Gods will. He passed the good gifts out to all those around me and had nothing left for me.
Surrender to Heal
After a long year of resentment and suffering, I was tired. I needed to relent, to rest and release my pain. I felt God pulling on my heart strings. He began to sing over me and tell me His banner over me is love. He had me come to His banquet table and feast on His comfort and peace.
He told me, He knew the plans He had for me. Those plans weren’t for me to live a life of despair and bring me harm, but to give me a hope. They weren’t to live in the painful past but to give me a prosperous future.
I took a step in His love and peace and simply said as Doris Daye sings in ‘The Man Who Knew Too Much’, Que Sera Sera, Whatever will be will be.
Three month later, I became pregnant.
I definitely experienced the anxiety and fear as to be expected but I knew no matter what happened I could trust in the unfailing love of God through my pain.
Kai Anthony born August 1, 2013, 6lbs 9 ounces 20 inches long, healthy, strong, handsome, nothing missing, nothing broken, became my love child.
Through Jesus, he and his siblings before him, taught me of the Fathers love before they came into the world. I discovered a level of courage within I didn’t know I had. I discovered my greater need for my husband and the role he is in our marriage.
Mostly I discovered my greatest purpose in life is to show my son the sacrificial love God gives to us and trust that He will grow to know and love God with all his heart, soul and mind, because where would we be and what could we give if not for the Fathers Love.
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