I’ve played the roles of so many different types of girls in my life, in search of my self-worth and who I was always meant to be. I have to say, this was hard to write, but necessary for me to leap into my next stage of growth. So, who’s that girl? Here’s my story to discovering and reclaiming my self-worth.
The Mean Girl
I remember being in Middle school sitting in the Principals’ office, being talked to about bullying. I was part of the bullying clique. In general I was a good kid, made good grades, grew up in church and had a good home life. I was a part of bullying because I was following the crowd. I knew better! I had NO “GOOD” reason to be picking on someone else’s child. There is NEVER a good reason to pick on anyone… NEVER.
I read somewhere that even if I apologized to those people it wouldn’t make a difference because the damage was done. Even after all these years, bullying is one of those decisions that I deeply regret. If there was ever a season I could go back in time and get a re-do… it would be then. If any of you read this, I give you my most sincere apology. It was wrong and you did not deserve that. No one deserves that.
The Shy Girl
In 7th grade, the tables turned and I was getting picked on. That’s when I started to make the change. In High school, I knew a lot of people, but I was nowhere close to being part of the popular groups. I went from being the “undercover” bully to becoming the shy and quiet student. I kept a low profile for the most part. I had my small group of friends. We kept to ourselves, we didn’t bother anyone. And that was fine with me. I was comfortable being on the sidelines; it was safe. This weekend my friend told me that it was time for me to come out of the shadows. As I’m writing this, I’m seeing how I drifted into the shadows in the first place.
The Loose Girl
In College, I found my “voice “and decided, these people don’t know me, I’m going to reinvent myself! I don’t want to be shy anymore. I went to a Christian college, because I felt like I had to. Not necessarily because I was being called to ministry, but because I knew if I went to a secular school I’d go buck wild. I felt like there would be a safety net, and boundaries I wouldn’t cross. Simply because I was in a Christ centered school. Um, yeah I was wrong about that. Temptation can find you anywhere you allow it to sneak in. And not everyone has your best interest at heart.
I found myself living a double life for the majority of my time in College. I tried to do right, so I’d join all of these clubs and church activities to find the crowd that would keep me accountable and help me stay in line. But how could these people do so, if they had NO idea what I was doing after meetings. Or did they know? I thought my double life was a secret that only a few of my closest friends knew of. But I’m going to be smarter than that and believe, a lot more people knew, and could see through me than I thought. Maybe we were all just trying to save ourselves from our own mess.
Instead of reinventing myself to find my worth in God, I tried to find my worth in different guys and the power I felt I had through them. That power was false. I read the magazines, I watched the videos, I became immersed in becoming the seducer. I thought I was big and bad, because I called the shots, I was the temptress, I could get them to do what I want. However, that was far from the truth. Without commitments, giving them myself, I gave them power over me. The way they talked to me, treated me, how their friends thought I was an easy target- It crushed me. It’s like being bullied all over again. It crushed me in my spirit, my mind, my emotions, my value, and my respect for myself.
I spiraled out of control, and got to the mindset that if I was going to go to Hell over all of this, I might as well make it worth it. Oh My GOD, how RIDICULOUS WAS THAT MINDSET!? Every time I think of that, I wish I could go back in time and SLAP myself to wake UP! Daughter, it’s more than about sin, or hell. This is your LIFE! Don’t trade the beautiful life God has meant for you, out of fear that you’ve messed up one too many times and could go to hell for it. Make the best of the life you have NOW instead of worrying about an after-life. You see, fear of religion will wreck you. It’s your relationship with God that you should be more concerned with. Let His voice, His Word guide you!
When I started trying to pull out of it Senior year, those soul ties were still trying to pull on me. Even after College. They haunted me, in memories, nightmares, texts, private messages… I even got heavily involved in online dating. Never physically met anyone but, I did a bit too much. I really found myself in a dark place. Second guessing everything I knew about God and my faith. I was a functioning depressed person.
I look back at pictures from then, and I look so skinny and sick. It wasn’t because of the crazy hours working full time, grad school and interning. Life was being sucked out of me. I eventually had to change my number and block people on Social Media. I even decided to go on a “No Man Fast”. I had to learn how to find God for myself and AGAIN reinvent myself into the Woman God always meant for me to be.
During this time I went through a period of doubting God. Was God real, was Jesus real? I wasn’t sure if all I was taught growing up, really was for me. I mean, look at where I was now – I’ve gone too far to go back. How could I be forgiven for all of that. What a disappointment. But when I couldn’t find what I needed in other places, I finally decided to turn back to what I knew. I found God for myself.
Nothing filled my heart and soul like when I prayed (most times sobbing out of despair), read the scriptures and made myself get back into church by serving. I even had a Mentor, Zee… she poured into me and helped keep me accountable. In that season, it was like every single sermon my Pastor preached, was ripped out of my diary. EVERYthing applied to me. God was speaking to ME! He wanted me. I wasn’t worthless. I was full of worth. I just had to begin to see it and believe it for myself.
The No Man Fast, I mentioned earlier, lasted for three years. My husband, Sam re-entered my life as more than a just a friend; an unexpected love interest. Sam is the only person that I’ve ever shared all the details of my past. He has also been a huge part of my healing process. I want to publicly thank him for that. You chose to love me despite of, and saw my worth when I continued to struggle to see it myself.
The Side Chick
I was the friend on the sidelines of the bold and outgoing personalities. These friends were always larger than life, while I was on the side pushing them along. Writing this I’m seeing, maybe the side chick role, was my attempt to make up for those Mean girl years. I prided myself of being the loyal friend. Someone did you wrong and you hated them, I hate them too! Someone hurt you, I want to hurt them too! Whenever and however you need me, I’m there whether I wanted to or not. So exhausting!
Through a few cycles of this, I finally decided I needed to be my own chick, I needed to be the MAIN Woman. I have a lot to offer the world, I owe it to myself. It wouldn’t make me the mean girl, to step away and pursue myself. I needed to discover my true purpose. I was not placed on this Earth to be anyone’s personal savior. That’s why Jesus came to Earth. He is the Savior of the World – John 3:16. That’s His purpose; not mine.
The Main Woman – Reclaiming my Self-Worth
Nowadays, I’m rediscovering and reclaiming my self-worth. I’m still a work in progress, but I’m making major changes, starting with freeing myself from my past. As scary as this has been to write, this is going to be so healing for me. My worth is not defined by being the mean girl, the shy girl, the loose girl, and definitely not the side chick. It’s not even defined as being a loyal wife or great mother.
God meant for me to be the Main Woman! He’s equipped me with everything I need from the moment of my conception. My worth is not dependent on anyone else, or how anyone else sees me. Those roles I’ve played throughout life are not who I am at my core. Desiraé, you can’t let those experiences, define the rest of your life. You are destined for greatness, you are destined for more.
Let’s take this more personal- for those of you who are struggling and need reassurance
Dear Daughter of the King,
You cannot let the negative events, and the roles you’ve played, define the rest of your life. You are destined for greatness! You were made for something bigger than yourself, bigger than those experiences. There is purpose to your life! You have a story to share. Whether, life seemed simple and easy, or hard and tumultuous. Share your heart of what you’ve learned. Don’t sell your soul to those experiences. Grow from them and don’t let them hold you back any longer. Discover your true voice. It’s never too early or late to reinvent yourself. Discover your self-worth independent of yourself, not relying on anyone or anything else but God. Seek out what He has intended for you to become and do. Live your life to the fullest. Live your life on purpose. It’s too beautiful to be wasted on what you wish could have done or what shouldn’t have happened. Know you worth and find a way to believe in yourself again.